Double Homicide, Hold the Mayo

Thinking back to my college years I remember that there was always this one guy who stood out in front of the main entrance to the building where classes were held.  He was there two to three times a week handing out little pamphlets.  He would have been almost invisible to me except that he looked and smelled like shit.  I mean that almost literally.  He smelled like he bathed about once a month and his look pretty much confirmed my suspicions.  Where he stood made it really hard to avoid him; at the top of the stairs moving to intercept people as they came up to get in the building.

I mentioned that he was handing out little pamphlets.  Apparently, this guy is a vegan and the pamphlets he was handing out were filled with pictures of dead animals at slaughter houses and the like.  The first time I passed I simply took the pamphlet, gave it a once over and then tossed it.  It was in my possession for about twenty seconds.  After that I began refusing the pamphlets.  In the short amount of time I had held that first one I had read the entire contents of it.  To paraphrase, “Meat is Murder, End the Atrocity, Go Vegan.”

Now, I can certainly sympathize with a portion of what this pamphlet was trying to say, at least in the pictures.  The animals should be treated with respect, period.  If they are being grown for the soul purpose of food they need to be given a better life that what they have.  They need to be given a life with dignity that they deserve before become a tasty snack to fill my stomach.  I have absolutely zero issue with many of the beliefs of vegans.  My issue is some of the people themselves.

Mr. Stinky eventually got tired of me rebuffing his attempts to continue to give me his pamphlets.  So much so that he actually followed me up to the door of the building.  Finally, one day in his attempt to pawn off a piece of paper on me, maybe the stack was getting heavy, maybe no else had taken one, maybe he just really thought that I needed one, he followed me into the building.  This was the instance that caused me to snap, and in front of the campus police department’s office no less.

I was walking and then suddenly there he was, in my face, barring my way to my destination. 

“You really need to read this,” he said. 

That was it, not only had he barred my way, he was now invading my personal space.  Suddenly I was no longer a college student; I was no longer a husband, father or anything that I had become since 2003.  I was back in United States Marine Corps mode.  To be more precise, I was in Non-Commissioned Officer mode.  For those who do know what that means, I took on the persona of Drill Instructor.  My face became redder than my hair, my eyes bulged, veins popped, and the only sight in my eyes was this little “fuck stick” standing in my way.

I will not post on here what I said; some of you may be scarred for life.  Just suffice it to say that my language, tone and volume were enough to get the police officers to pop their heads out of their office.  They instantly drew the conclusion that the guy they had seen handing out pamphlets had pushed too hard to hand one over to the wrong person.  The male officer quickly escorted him away while the female moved to calm me.  

 It shocked her that as soon as the guy was out of my sight I was no longer angry.  She escorted me outside and discussed the situation with me on the patio while I burned through a cigarette to help my body relax.  Cigarettes smoked, situation explained, body relaxed, and with class time rapidly approaching I excused myself.  After that the guy spent a lot less time hanging out on the stairs in front of the main building. 

I do not regret my actions that day.  The only thing that truly bothers me is that someone who I know was trying to do something good ended up doing something bad and that caused me to lose my temper.  Had he stayed out of my personal space I am sure he would still have been out front the next day handing out more pamphlets.  I do not know if he ever fixated on giving a pamphlet to anyone else, but for me it was one of the most annoying circumstances of my life.

So remember all you vegetarians and vegans, people might be willing to stand there and listen to your rhetoric, maybe they will take a pamphlet from you, they might even sign that little petition you have in your hand.  However, the second you violate the personal space of the wrong person you are liable to get slapped with a cheese burger.